Hmmm, I'm feeling a tinge of nausea today. I may have gotten pregnant in the past 48 hours. Is it possible to already feel it? Naw, it can't be. I must have just eaten something funny or am imagining things...
Oh wait, maybe it's just the numbing stuff the dentist gave me this morning before he did my new filling.
But maybe I'll buy some ginger ale just in case. :)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
My little world of glass
I know I'm not the only one out there. I struggle through the jealousy, disappointment, frustration, and self-doubt every week. At a young age, my parents built up the impression that I was capable of many things. Looking back, I always wonder why I feel like such an underachiever?
There's a strange dichotomy that comes from growing up in my family. You strive to do well, you're supposed to. At the same time, nothing is ever good enough. As well as I did (I finish 25th in a high school class of 600+), I always felt like second best. I didn't get into an Ivy League school, I didn't land a high paying, high status job out of college.
Even now, I feel like I lag most everyone I know (family, friends, and close acquaintances). I didn't earn a six-figure salary until I was 34. I didn't marry until I was 37. My first child came at the ripe age of 39. To make things worse, I don't like my job and feel like I'm trapped in this career unless I want to start back at the bottom. And to make things more complicated, I'm less willing to compromise on the type of job I want because I want to be able to have realistic hours that still allow me to take care of my family.
Gee, yeah, this is going to be easy to change...
There's a strange dichotomy that comes from growing up in my family. You strive to do well, you're supposed to. At the same time, nothing is ever good enough. As well as I did (I finish 25th in a high school class of 600+), I always felt like second best. I didn't get into an Ivy League school, I didn't land a high paying, high status job out of college.
Even now, I feel like I lag most everyone I know (family, friends, and close acquaintances). I didn't earn a six-figure salary until I was 34. I didn't marry until I was 37. My first child came at the ripe age of 39. To make things worse, I don't like my job and feel like I'm trapped in this career unless I want to start back at the bottom. And to make things more complicated, I'm less willing to compromise on the type of job I want because I want to be able to have realistic hours that still allow me to take care of my family.
Gee, yeah, this is going to be easy to change...
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Is this the start of something bad
To say that thing have been rocky lately might be a start. I write this as my husband stands outside our front door in the dark. It sounds like he's one the phone with someone. I wonder if he's chatting with some friend at work. Part of me wonders if this is the start of him having an affair (emotional or physical) with someone else. Yes, it feels that bad right now.
I've been unhappy and I let it show. Neither of us are perfect. I know I nag a lot, but I'm not sure he realizes how darn lazy and selfish he acts sometimes. Tonight was a perfect example. I pick up kiddo and arrive home just after 6pm. I set the stew to cook while we play a little in the yard.
Hubby comes home just after 6:30pm. Everyone greets each other and I continue to tend to dinner. While the stew is stewing and the rice is steaming, I'm pulling food from the refrigerator to make kiddo's dinner. Dad and baby are on the floor playing with a bowl of grains. It's all a picture perfect family.
Then, the grains spill everywhere. We put kiddo in his highchair and Dad sets the tray of food in front of him. Kiddo refuse to eat it. He points at the fruit I left in view. Dad gives up and walks off (to use the bathroom and check his work e-mail as he does many evenings). That leaves me watching kiddo eat fruit and keep an eye on the stove.
I go to the stove to skim some fat off the stew. There's no way to know how much time went by. But when I turn to kiddo to see if he's started on his main course, I see him shaking the tray and no food anywhere. That's right, it's all on the floor. He refuses to eat any of it no matter what I try.
Dad comes back from his office and stands at the bar watching us. I get fed up, take away the tray, and get ready to take kiddo out of the high chair. We go over to the sink and get his hands washed up. It's time to tend the stove so I let kiddo walk around but he asks for foods I won't let him eat. So I decide to put him behind the child gate at the doorway of the kitchen. Kiddo screams and cries while I clean the floor and Dad stands there.
As Dad lounged on the couch, I finally complained that Dad wasn't being helpful, and he said he was waiting for me to take kiddo upstairs so that he could start cleaning up the kitchen. Why can't he work on part of the kitchen now?
Well this ended up being longer than I expected. I'm just trying to understand why we have so many breakdowns in communication and why I'm so unhappy these days.
I've been unhappy and I let it show. Neither of us are perfect. I know I nag a lot, but I'm not sure he realizes how darn lazy and selfish he acts sometimes. Tonight was a perfect example. I pick up kiddo and arrive home just after 6pm. I set the stew to cook while we play a little in the yard.
Hubby comes home just after 6:30pm. Everyone greets each other and I continue to tend to dinner. While the stew is stewing and the rice is steaming, I'm pulling food from the refrigerator to make kiddo's dinner. Dad and baby are on the floor playing with a bowl of grains. It's all a picture perfect family.
Then, the grains spill everywhere. We put kiddo in his highchair and Dad sets the tray of food in front of him. Kiddo refuse to eat it. He points at the fruit I left in view. Dad gives up and walks off (to use the bathroom and check his work e-mail as he does many evenings). That leaves me watching kiddo eat fruit and keep an eye on the stove.
I go to the stove to skim some fat off the stew. There's no way to know how much time went by. But when I turn to kiddo to see if he's started on his main course, I see him shaking the tray and no food anywhere. That's right, it's all on the floor. He refuses to eat any of it no matter what I try.
Dad comes back from his office and stands at the bar watching us. I get fed up, take away the tray, and get ready to take kiddo out of the high chair. We go over to the sink and get his hands washed up. It's time to tend the stove so I let kiddo walk around but he asks for foods I won't let him eat. So I decide to put him behind the child gate at the doorway of the kitchen. Kiddo screams and cries while I clean the floor and Dad stands there.
As Dad lounged on the couch, I finally complained that Dad wasn't being helpful, and he said he was waiting for me to take kiddo upstairs so that he could start cleaning up the kitchen. Why can't he work on part of the kitchen now?
Well this ended up being longer than I expected. I'm just trying to understand why we have so many breakdowns in communication and why I'm so unhappy these days.
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